The first moment we look into our new baby’s eyes – the innocence and beauty – our heart opens and embraces the miracle of creation. Having a child – a brave and courageous act, indeed.
At some point, reality strikes, that we are the steward, nurturer, protector, teacher, provider and mentor of another human being on this earth. We begin to see the potential impact we can and do have on another precious human being.
In working with parents, I see 3 things – an unconscious aligned purpose for parenting, and a disagreement about the method to accomplish this unconscious purpose. I see in addition, power struggles parents have with each other and their children, because they have 2 different, often opposing, belief systems about parenting. We derive them from our own history – either modeling our own parents – or doing the opposite of what they had done.
You might ask, “There are other ways to do this?” The first thing I want to point out is, “We are each doing the best we can, given our awareness, and what know at the time. I have observed that when we know more, we have new options and make better choices”.
Conscious Parenting Plan: A New Model
As parents – on the same team, sit down together in an uninterrupted environment. This is a process, and will take several planning meetings. Each parent needs to bring to the table an open mind, some clarity about what is important to them, and fair negotiating skill..
Step 1. Create agreements for this conversation, so both of you feel safe to fully participate. (ie. No interrupting, brainstorm without judgements, etc.)
Step 2. Together create a Purpose for Parenting Statement.
(ie. To raise loving, and responsible children that make a contribution on the planet, etc.)
Step 3. List Ethics, Values and Virtues you embody and want to instill in your children.
Step 4. Co-Create a Vision of what that would look like, in the Highest and Best way. What are all the hopes and dreams you have for your children? Describe in this Vision, what activities are going on, and how is everyone behaving and feeling.
Step 5. Co-create a basic list of ‘Daily Operating Instructions’ (structure/rules), for you as parents, and a separate one for the children. (ie. Everyone is respectful (virtues/characters). Don’t go into the street, etc. (behaviors/rules). Discuss when and what consequences are appropriate. These are most effective when created and known ahead of time by everyone involved, and they don’t have to be punitive. (When my children were 5 and above, I let them co-create the consequences with us. They were usually harder on themselves, and we would have to suggest something lighter that we felt matched the circumstances. We all learned so much from this process.) It is essential that these are openly discussed, negotiated and agreed upon. Known boundaries and being consistent from both parents, creates safety, predictability and is very effective.
Step 6. Discuss the possibility that everything that happens can be an opportunity for natural learning for children – ie. Ask your child when they make a mistake, “What could you do next time?”, and assume they can discover answers within themselves when asked supportive questions. If they need a time out – tell them by the time it is over, they are to explain to you what didn’t work about their behavior, and tell you what they will correct. This teaches them how to think in a self-corrective way, and can serve them throughout their life. It is very powerful, along with supporting their Self Esteem.
A great example of ‘natural learning’ was when my grandson brought home his report card – I would have him show me and explain, and how he felt about each grade. I encouraged him to acknowledge himself, and asked if he felt proud of himself. If any grades were low, I would just ask (with a neutral demeanor), what he needed to do to correct it next quarter, and is there any way I can support him?
It is essential for Self Esteem building to support your child in getting in touch with his own feelings about things, before you step in with correction, praise or reward. This way he develops his own sense of pride, rather than looking outside him/herself for approval.
Another powerful tool parents can use that is easy and has high impact, is change their language from bad/good, and right/wrong, to, ‘What works’, and ‘What doesn’t’, and ‘What is appropriate’, and ‘What isn’t’. This is a very powerful shift from the child is bad, to the behavior didn’t work!! Then ask them if they can discover what would work?
Step 7. Co-create ways to acknowledge your children and each other!! One of the things I used to tell my grandson everyday as he went off to school was, “I love you, stay safe, and have fun learning”. Now he is 21 and says it to me when I leave.
Most of all:
Remember your Purpose, Be Patient, Love and Laugh a lot!!
You can have a happy, healthy family life, filled with learning and love.
Kathleen E. Sims’ Purpose is to teach what she has had the privilege to learn about deep, abiding love, and a Soul filled Life. This included being with her Lifetime Mate for 4 decades and raising 2 sets of children.
She has Mastered teaching the relevancy and power of applying the Highest Spiritual Principles and Universal Laws to everyday living.
She’s had the honor of teaching International Teleseminars on Creating Your Heart’s Desires, utilizing Universal Principles. A graduate of the University of Science and Philosophy, she is asked to speak regularly at singles and parenting organizations, and has hosted ‘The New You’ radio show in San Francisco. She is the author of the eBook and Program, “Stop Dating, Start Mating: How to Find a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime in 6 Months or Less”, and the FREE Workbook, “6 Keys to Attracting Your Ideal Mate”. Take the ‘FREE Couples Relationship Evaluation’. These can all be found on her website: https://kathleenthelovecoach.com
Look for the soon to be released book she co-authored with Wayne Dyer, Brian Tracey and others, “Wake Up – Live the Life You Love”.
Kathleen E. Sims 925 914-0098
Call for Couples Counseling and Parenting Coaching.
It will change your life and the quality of experiences in your children’s lives.
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